Finding Joy in Others’ Happiness

I adopted the #OnlyJoy mantra several years ago during my divorce. I had vowed not to be dragged under by negativity, so I consciously focused on and pursued joy as an antidote to the, let’s say, “unjoy” that was trying to maneuver its way into my life.

At first, I was focused inward, on the joy I was personally experiencing. But then, I discovered the far more abundant possibilities of sympathetic joy (also known as positive empathy). It’s essentially the opposite of schadenfreude, when one takes pleasure in the misfortunes of others. Sympathetic joy is when you experience joy not because of something happening to yourself, but when it happens to others.

Some kinds of sympathetic joy are easy, such as when you see your children or partner happy. I’ve been blessed to experience a fair amount of that recently with the weddings of my son and bonus daughter.

I’ve had to be a little more intentional, however, to experience sympathetic joy at the happiness of people I’m neutral or even negative about.

A friend of mine recently had a profound moment of sympathetic joy when she attended a concert in which almost everybody in the audience was women in their teens and twenties. (No, not Taylor Swift.) The vast majority of the audience was on their feet, cameras in hand, dancing, and singing — loudly — along with the singer.

“At first, I was super annoyed that I couldn’t hear the singer I had paid to see, but when I looked around and saw this auditorium full of young women who were clearly so elated to see her, and who felt so seen by her lyrics, I couldn’t help but be happy for them,” she said. “There was one girl in front of me who stood and danced and sang during the entire show, and her parents were with her. But instead of watching the show, her mom was filming her daughter the entire time. She was clearly filled with joy just watching her daughter be happy. So, I was happy because I was watching a mom be happy at seeing her daughter happy. That’s some next-level happiness.”

The ability to experience sympathetic joy is great for your personal well-being, and it can enrich your relationships with others. It can also make us more compassionate, both individually and — if more of us practice it — as a society.

I’ve found a couple of habits keep me sympathetically joyful:

Looking for opportunities to practice it: Sometimes, the simple act of reminding myself to be intentionally happy when good things happen to others is all the reminder I need. It can be quite easy to slip into envy when you see someone else get something you don’t have, whether that’s a promotion or a particularly nice sweater. But when I can feel genuine joy at the good fortune of another, it always gives my day an unexpected boost.

Making it official: When another person’s success is noteworthy (e.g. a new job, a new house, etc.), I like to officialize my excitement for them by sending a note or a gift and reminding them how well-deserved their success is.

Loving kindness meditation: No surprise here, but sympathetic joy has its roots in the Buddhist ethic of Muditā, to feel a sense of spontaneous and sympathetic joy that comes from delighting in another's good news. Regularly practicing loving kindness meditation helps me feel more connected to others — from the people I already love to total strangers — and it helps me practice my sympathetic joy muscles. It also makes it easier for me to slip into sympathetic joy (and away from envy and self-comparisons). This YouTube video and this podcast episode are both excellent guided loving kindness meditations.

Watch a sporting event without choosing sides: I confess that I didn’t think of this one myself. I saw it as I was researching this article, and I confess that I’m intrigued. This tip comes from psychologist and author Kelly McGonigal:

Appreciate the effort, skill, or artistry of all competitors—and celebrate the joy of whoever wins. Feel glad for their success, and watch how they celebrate it with others. See if you can extend your empathic joy to how they share the moment with friends, family, coaches, or teammates.

The jury is still out on whether I can pull this one off. I’ll report back.

Meantime, let me know in the comments if you’ve had any profound moments of sympathetic joy.

#OnlyJoy

Kathleen